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Character Quotes


Eric: Could you get laid without Vince? That's the question.
Turtle: Do I give a fuck? That's the answer.

Vince: I can't tell if the script sucks or if it's just I got the sound of a jet engine in my head.
Turtle: Nah, Vince, G5s whisper quiet.

Eric: Did you get the trades?
Turtle: Right here, boss. Just warning you - it ain't pretty.
Vince: Oh, really?
Turtle: Fucking prick called you a thespian.

Drama: Hey, you remember? The Orange County Register said I was a functioning retard. Now that was a bad review.
Turtle: I thought that was a compliment.

Turtle: Fuck the fuckin Mercedes, Vince. What are you, a soccer mom?

Turtle: Hack's got a mortgage broker, E. Says money's real cheap now.
Eric: This guy's talkin out of his ass. Do you even know what that means?
Turtle: Not really, but if Hack says it, it must be good.

Drama: It's a new recipe. Tofu spirulina scramble. It's delish. Taste it.
Turtle: Smells like dog shit scramble.

Turtle: Yo, you think she'll bring other hotties with her?
Eric: Why would she?
Turtle: Cause, E, hotties roll in packs, baby.

Turtle: I don't know about the afterlife but this life is sweet.

Turtle: Where'd you meet her, Drama? Barry Bonds' hearing?

Turtle: Online's even better. You get the small talk out of the way so when they show up, they're good to go.
Eric: Name one girl you ever pulled off the internet.
Turtle: There's all sorts of confidentiality agreements with these sites, all right? I ain't tellin you shit.

Drama: Yo, you cats goin to see Head On?
Moviegoer: Nah, man, we're goin to see that talking squirrel thang.
Turtle: Fuck that movie, I saw it this morning. The mother squirrel dies in the end. See Head On.

Drama: I don't trust that New Age bullshit.
Turtle: Me neither. Even if it is attached to an ass like that.

Drama: You didn't call bank shot.
Turtle: I did too. You didn't hear me.
Drama: You got to learn to project.
Turtle: You know, you hire a vocal coach and you become a real asshole.

Drama: Look, Vince. There's no shame in playing gay. Look at Tom Hanks in Philadelphia. Guy won an Oscar. I'd take it in the ass on camera for an Oscar.
Turtle: You'd take it in the ass for a guest spot on The Hughleys.

Turtle: E, I need a hundee, bro. This girl's gonna jerk me in the back.
Eric: No.
Turtle: Come on! Drama won't lend me money if it's for sexual acts.

Eric: Did you cancel the newspapers?
Turtle: You gotta tell me these things.
Eric: You gotta learn to anticipate, Turtle.
Turtle: There's a chain of command, all right? I'm a soldier. I wait for orders.

Turtle: My mother would rather be dead than have you stay with us.