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S03E12, Sorry, Ari

Ari: I had a nightmare.
Mrs. Ari: Was I with another man?
Ari: No. Vince was.

Ari: First rule as an agent is you never take an angry client's call unless you have good news that will make him smile.

Turtle: Ari does not appreciate the little guy.
Vince: Have I become the little guy?
Turtle: It's just an expression, Vince.

Alan: So, let me guess. This Ramones project has been causing some discomfort between you and your biggest client.
Ari: Hemorrhoids cause discomfort, Alan. This is more like open-heart surgery.

Vince: I've never had another agent. I don't even know what to look for.
Drama: Let me be your guide, Vince. Over the years I've developed a fool-proof system for judging the merits of a perspective agency.
Turtle: I guess you've had a lot of practice considering how many times you've been dropped.
Drama: Never officially dropped, Turtle, although one did move without telling me.

Drama: I judge an agency on four categories: decor, service, amenities, and ambiance. Give up to ten points for each category. The agency with the highest overall score wins. I originally devised it for my visits to day spas but it's perfectly applicable.
Eric: Yeah, I'm sure there's a direct correlation between Vince's career and your anti-aging regimen, Drama.

Drama: I give them a six for decor. I mean what kind of self-respecting agency has fake plants in their lobby?
Turtle: I don't think they're fake, Drama. There's a girl over there watering them.
Eric: Maybe the water's fake, huh, Drama?

Drama: Didn't even offer us a drink. That's a zero for service.
Turtle: But still, I'd give em a ten for amenities if she'd let me service that ass.

Dana: Ari!
Ari: Ah, it's Hitler's evil twin.
Dana: I need to talk to you.
Ari: You know, Dana, the only time I've ever enjoyed talking to you is when your mouth has been full.

Waitress: Andy Left... canceled his reservation over an hour ago.
Drama: And the guy doesn't even bother to call you?
Turtle: I'd say that's a substantial point loss in the service area.
Drama: Forget about points, Turtle. That earns Left a bitch slap.

Drama: Slow down, Vince, we haven't seen the underbelly yet.
Eric: There's an underbelly?
Drama: Don't be ignorant, E. There's always an underbelly.

Lloyd: Are you happy, Ari, or is this madness that will turn on me at a moment's notice?

Dana: Ari, you have one day to find me another job, or the next time I see you at The Palm, I am going to squeeze your fucking dick with a claw cracker.

Security Guard: Miss Gordon, I'm afraid your five minutes are up. It's time to go.
Dana: Fuck you. Put one hand on me and I scream "rape."

Drama: An agent by nature is a lying, money hungry cocksucker. That's the breed. And Ari is best in breed.