Character Quotes

Ari Gold

Lloyd: I'm still learning to be more like you.
Ari: No, you're not like me. You don't wanna be. You're fair, you're honest, and you don't like women.

Lloyd: I'm family, too, aren't I?
Ari: You'll always be the gay son I never wanted. Yes, Lloyd.

Barbara: Jesus Christ, Ari. This is a place of business.
Ari: Not for me. Not anymore.
Barbara: What does that mean?
Ari: It means take it. Take it all. Take the company. Take your shares, take mine. I don't give a fuck! The only thing you can't take is this picture of my family and my lucky horseshoe.

Ari: I don't wanna bring your energy down. Go and tell my people what it's like to control 350 lb. men who are usually carrying firearms. Motivate my losers!

Assistant: Ari, he's in a meeting.
Ari: Listen, if he would have called me back, we could have avoided me interrupting it.

Ari: I want every available option on the table for how to get this film made by the end of the day. Whoever succeeds will forever be my family member. Whoever doesn't will be cleaning tanning beds in fuckin Rancho Cucamonga.

Ari: Look, honey, I've changed. I'm leaving my house with you and your barbecuing boy toy in it. No fight, no cops called, no tears, no beating his fuckin face in.

Ari: Yo, grill master! Are you in my fuckin house? I've got a new show for you. It's called "Boy Meets Husband Who Kills Him!"

Ari: I simply wanted to take it out of the company. Borrow it.
Barbara: Eleven million dollars? I know you don't visit the accounting department very often, but cash flow is not ideal right now.
Ari: Then float me. You probably have that much in your Depends.

Dana: I can come over.
Ari: Is this some sort of cruel prank to stick it to me? Because I cannot deal with a revenge fuck right now. Well, maybe I can...

Mrs. Ari: You're in the office with your girlfriend.
Ari: She's the head of a studio.
Mrs. Ari: And how do you think the town would react if they found out about you two?
Ari: There's nothing to find out and I've already suffered the brunt of all the gossip because my wife is running around with Chef Boyardee.

Barbara: I'll leave you two to discuss. Come to my office when you're done.
Ari: Do you even have an office here?

Ari: Guess who's coming to the office? Taylor Lautner.
Sarah: Really? I love you, Daddy!
Ari: He has 4% body fat. Daddy has five. Tell Mommy. Daddy's been working out.

Mrs. Ari: What, you think that Bobby wouldn't tell me that you were there on a date?
Ari: Well, I guess the bro code's out the window when you're fucking someone's wife.

Ari: Bobby, why don't you go back to hiding in your kitchen before I shove a shiitake mushroom up your ass?

Turtle: I saw brains.
Ari: That's great. I'm guessing they weren't Dramas?

Katie: You're cute. You'll get your groove back.
Ari: Stella did, right?
Katie: Who?
Ari: It... doesn't matter.

Vince: Ari, it's been a while since you've been with another woman. It's natural to be scared.
Ari: I'm not scared. I'm scared for the town, cause once I go out, women will fall and men will start wailing. You do not wanna compete against me for ass, Vinnie.