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Character Quotes

Ari Gold

Lloyd: So why am I going?
Ari: Because he's a queen just like you. He's never had a straight agent, and if I'm going to be his first, I have to show him that I am a friend to the gay man.
Lloyd: But you're not a friend to the gay man, Ari.
Ari: Lloyd, this is the big one. So just go grab your best dress and know that today your love of cock is a huge asset to this company.

Ari: What the fuck are you wearing?
Lloyd: I'm trying out new looks. This one's my Andre 3000. You like?
Ari: No I don't. You look like Michelle Kwan in drag. Why don't you do a triple fuckin axel over to the phone and try Cameron again?

Ari: I want you to pass this message along to Dana. Tell her that I still have the pictures from Cancun. Tell her that I'm going to start a website. I'm gonna take a full-page ad out in the LA Times advertising it. Tell her it will be called imahollywoodexecutivewhore dot com and that no password or fee will be required. Tell her I want a fucking callback.

Dr. Marcus: I don't think that Vincent Chase should determine where you go and don't go in this town.
Ari: He doesn't determine -
Mrs. Ari: He's been in a funk since he got fired. And then, of course, there was the birthday party incident...
Ari: Everybody stop. I didn't go to the Lakers game cause they were playing the fucking Bobcats. And I came here today because I thought this was a session on how my wife could learn to communicate - how to answer a question without a question - Basic Humanity 101. Which, I thought, given your wall of fucking diplomas, you could easily fix. Or if you couldn't, you could give her a pill that could either fix it or make her a mute. But now to turn around and gang up on me - I have work to do! I have hundreds of clients to deal with! And just so we're clear, I don't care about any of them. They're all just a number, like wife number one and therapist number seven. Good day!

Lloyd: Are you hiding something from me, Ari?
Ari: Only my cock and my asshole, Lloyd.

Ari: You shitty dime store therapist! A man's life is on the line here and all you give a fuck about is beating some stupid club record? That will do what for you? Give you five minutes of pleasure while you fuck your underpaid emasculated husband tonight? How the fuck does he afford this place, anyway? Isn't he a guidance counselor at a high school?

Ari: You throw a lot of Jew guilt for a Chinaman.

Barbara: I don't think you should talk to her, Ari.
Ari: I think that you know what I think about your thoughts, Babs.

Ari: I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but ever since you got here, I have not been able to take my eyes off your ass. I mean, it is - it's the perfect shape! It's like God came down, hand-crafted it, put it on a little silver tray, and hand-delivered it to my man Scotty.

Ari: Andrew, you're like LeBron James if he was playing in Spain. Sure, people know he's good, but no one wants to eat paella while watching basketball.

Mrs. Ari: Read it to me.
Ari: Come on.
Mrs. Ari: Fine. I'll read it. "After a staff meeting, Ari threw a stapler at the wall and screamed at a fellow agent that he needed to 'climb back inside his mother's vagina and cook a little longer?'"
Ari: That's funny.

Eric: Well, what are you hearing about the Gosling and Franco movies? They good?
Ari: I hear that they're great. I hear that every movie at Sundance is the best movie that was ever made.

Ari: What time is the luncheon, by the way? I'd love to show up.
Barbara: No men allowed.
Ari: So it's more of a rugmuncheon than a luncheon?

Attorney: Alison Brod.
Ari: Doesn't ring a bell.
Attorney: She worked in your lit department four years ago. Alleges you suggested she have her cunt removed so as to decrease her cuntiness.

Ari: When you took this movie, Vinnie Chase was attached, and that's how you will finish it.
Verner: Are you threatening me?
Ari: If you consider me telling you that you'll be lucky to get a Der Wienerschnitzel commercial in this country if you don't go back to work, then yeah, it's a fuckin threat.

Ari: Half the town is out of work. You can't find me one available director?
Lloyd: Kevin Smith isn't doing anything.
Ari: Are you looking at the DGA list or are you staring out the window at the line in front of the Sprinkles fucking Cupcakes store?

Ari: You're supposed to support your husband no matter what.
Mrs. Ari: Even if you're making a complete jackass out of yourself?
Ari: Especially then!

Yair: My chef is the best in the world. You know, I stole him from Le Cirque.
Ari: You tell anyone, Yair, or is there still an amber alert out on the guy?