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Character Quotes

Ari Gold

Ari: They drive that way in Tiananmen Square, bitch?

Ari: You a communist? Or are you a socialist? Or didn't they teach you the difference at Pepperoni U?

Ari: I had video sex with an Ecuadorian girl this morning.
Eric: I hope she was 18. Federal offense if not.
Ari: She had big teeth and a sarong. That's all I remember, baby.

Fiona: Come on, there's plenty of protein in mung-beans.
Ari: No, no, I'm talking about real protein. I mean like man protein, you know, from the flesh of slaughtered animals. I wanna have war paint and I want blood dripping. That's what I need.

Fiona: Have you seen a video of a slaughterhouse, Ari?
Vince: Meat is murder.
Ari: Even broccoli screams when you rip it from the ground.

Ari: When I'm done with you, you're going to be repping sideshow freaks. You need "Jojo the Dog-Faced Bitch Boy?" Call Josh Weinfuck, the lightweight pen-stealing fuckface.

Ari: I'm ready to go here, all right? It's like R. Kelly at recess.

Vince: Just go easy on him. He's having a rough day.
Ari: What's wrong, E? What happened?
Vince: He's not getting any.
Ari: Oh no. You kidding me? Want me to get Lloyd in here and have him Hara-Kiri you his pecker or no?

Eric: Tom Cruise is gonna play Pablo Escobar? Come on, the guy's not even Hispanic.
Ari: Yeah and Hilary Swank has a vagina and she won an Oscar pretending she has a dick. That's what actors do. They pretend.

Ari: I paid two grand for these seats! I'll get out there and launch a three if I want.

Vince: Yep. He bought Kristen jewelry and he's confessing tonight.
Ari: No, no, no. No confession. Do you read the papers, you idiot? You hear about this guy? He confessed to a murder in 1973 with no clues... yeah, they're gonna give him 25 years. Shut your mouth, do not say a word or you will just end up being gang-banged by a bunch of cholos.

Ari: You know The Station Agent, Eric?
Eric: Yeah.
Ari: Monster fuckin hit at Sundance. Did you see it? It's about the midget who lives by the train tracks. The last time I saw him he was in a FedEx commercial. They were overnighting him to London.

Eric: You'll never give me credit for anything, will you?
Ari: You got me. Are you kidding? Sundance, it's... it's a great festival for little people. You should kill over there. But for the rest of us normal folk, it's just a chance to try to fuck a Mormon.

Mrs. Ari: I ask for one hour out of the day for his undivided attention. And I can't even have that.
Ari: You can have it if you wanna live in Agoura fucking Hills. And go to group therapy. But if you want a Beverly Hills mansion, and you want a country club membership, and you want nine weeks a year at a Tuscan villa, then I'm gonna need to take a call when it comes in at noon on a motherfucking Wednesday!

Ari: What the fuck are you wearing?
Lloyd: I'm trying out new looks. This one's my Andre 3000. You like?
Ari: No I don't. You look like Michelle Kwan in drag. Why don't you do a triple fuckin axel over to the phone and try Cameron again?

Ari: I want you to pass this message along to Dana. Tell her that I still have the pictures from Cancun. Tell her that I'm going to start a website. I'm gonna take a full-page ad out in the LA Times advertising it. Tell her it will be called imahollywoodexecutivewhore dot com and that no password or fee will be required. Tell her I want a fucking callback.

Eric: Well, what are you hearing about the Gosling and Franco movies? They good?
Ari: I hear that they're great. I hear that every movie at Sundance is the best movie that was ever made.

Ari: Lloyd, you were an art history major at Sarah Lawrence college, right?
Lloyd: Yes, I was.
Ari: Then you know how to pull this down off the wall. Grab it and put it down in Vinnie's car. Chop chop.