Character Quotes

Ari Gold

Ari: Fucking beach houses, man. Pieces of shit. If they were in town they'd be condemned.
Vince: Nice view, though.
Ari: Ehh. I hate the beach. I hate the ocean. I hate the sand but I love sharks. I just signed the girl that got her arm ripped off. Gonna be the one-armed Marlee Matlin.

Ari: Ask the people that didn't get back in on The Passion. Jesus ain't gonna save em.

Ari: I'm ready to go here, all right? It's like R. Kelly at recess.

Ari: The point is that he is an insecure fuck like all beautiful been-handed-everything-on-a-silver-platter people. He doesn't trust anyone in this world but you. You've been born into royalty, baby. You know that. Now you've just gotta be thankful and wear the crown.

Ari: You like Gaysian Lloyd? He's cute, right? And he covers two quotas.
Eric: What, did you fire Emily?
Ari: I had to, E. To make sure that you wouldn't fuck another one of my assistants. You're not going to try to fuck Lloyd, are ya?

Eric: We know what we want to do next.
Ari: What? The fuckin Belt Parkway?

Ari: I'll get into it but I'm also deep into Aquaman. I've got a lunch meeting with Dana Gordon.
Eric: Well, should I be there?
Ari: Uh... no. Unless you want to pull up her car or serve us some sort of creme brulee or something.

Vince: Just go easy on him. He's having a rough day.
Ari: What's wrong, E? What happened?
Vince: He's not getting any.
Ari: Oh no. You kidding me? Want me to get Lloyd in here and have him Hara-Kiri you his pecker or no?

Eric: Tom Cruise is gonna play Pablo Escobar? Come on, the guy's not even Hispanic.
Ari: Yeah and Hilary Swank has a vagina and she won an Oscar pretending she has a dick. That's what actors do. They pretend.

Ari: This town is littered with the trashed careers of the "once upon a time" movie stars. Don't let our boy be a cautionary tale.

Ari: Okay. Here's an offer... for you to star in a new Olsen twins movie. It's a love triangle in which little Mary-Kate and Ashley use you as an experiment to see if you can actually tell if they are two separate, distinct people. This would be mildly amusing if the producer didn't think he had a realistic shot of getting you.

Ari: I paid two grand for these seats! I'll get out there and launch a three if I want.

Vince: I don't want to end up doing the same role for the rest of my life.
Eric: He doesn't wanna get typecast.
Ari: Look it - there's The Joker, there's Batman, there's Spider-Man. They're all typecast... as rich guys.

Jaime: You're kind of invited too.
Ari: Thank you. You know, I'd love to show up but it's actually anal sex night at the Gold house, so... but thank you for the invite. I'm gonna go home and punish my wife.

Ari: Anyone who puts Gwenyth's head in a box is okay by me.
Vince: Still bitter, huh? After all these years.
Ari: You know what? I fired her.

Vince: Yep. He bought Kristen jewelry and he's confessing tonight.
Ari: No, no, no. No confession. Do you read the papers, you idiot? You hear about this guy? He confessed to a murder in 1973 with no clues... yeah, they're gonna give him 25 years. Shut your mouth, do not say a word or you will just end up being gang-banged by a bunch of cholos.

Ari: Vinnie, the suit will not look like that on film. Tom Cruise is like 5'4". On screen he looks like Yao Ming.

Ari: You know The Station Agent, Eric?
Eric: Yeah.
Ari: Monster fuckin hit at Sundance. Did you see it? It's about the midget who lives by the train tracks. The last time I saw him he was in a FedEx commercial. They were overnighting him to London.