Ari: I mean this sincerely, Vince. I would hack off my penis before I would ever allow you to work with Carl Ertz again.
Ari: Bobby? Flay? You're dating a cook?
Mrs. Ari: He's a chef, Ari. And he's a businessman. And he's kind, and respectful, and generous.
Ari: He's a redheaded fire crotch. He's a genetic mistake.
Lloyd: I had my breakfast meeting with Steven Levitan this morning.
Ari: Congrats. You gonna be the new gay on Modern Family?
Ari: I just want to make sure that we all have our senses here, because he's pitching a Lifetime movie that should be starring the Marley and Me dog, not him, and a bunch of dummies are drooling like he's selling Avatar.
Scotty: No one drooled.
Eric: I didn't hear you say anything negative, either, Ari.
Ari: I said it with my eyes, all right?
Lloyd: Ari, you haven't had any time for anything since... the S-E-P-A-R-A-T-I-O-N.
Jonah: I can spell separation, Lloyd.
Ari: Get out. And don't ever spell in front of my son again, because he's S-M-A-R-T-E-R than you.
Christina: Ari, it's 9:15. You asked me to do an hour.
Ari: Please play a little bit longer. I know I can't pay your fee, but I'll give you the deed to my house.
Christina: That's still not gonna cover it. I want your Lakers seats for the Playoffs. All of them.
Ari: Done! I'll tell you what. You give me a Grammy-worthy performance and I'll get Kobe Bryant to sing at your birthday.
Ari: I will clear your debts.
Ari: You get her out of the house and bring her back, I will clear your debts. I'll keep your kids in that private school you love. Even the not-so-quick one who had to repeat the third grade.
Ari: You're supposed to support your husband no matter what.
Mrs. Ari: Even if you're making a complete jackass out of yourself?
Ari: Especially then!
Mrs. Ari: Everyone is looking at me! I don't even want to be here.
Ari: You're here because of your son. And no one is looking at you except that Siegel kid's dad who always looks at you cause he wants to bang you.
Ari: But not to worry, all right? I will prevail because I'm a winner and you're a whore with more cleavage than talent.
Ari: I gotta go to the bathroom.
Mrs. Ari: You just went to the bathroom.
Ari: That was two scotches ago.
Ari: I don't want to break anymore promises, so I won't make them.
Ari: You know, if this was a week ago, I'd flog you with an extension cord.
Attorney: Alison Brod.
Ari: Doesn't ring a bell.
Attorney: She worked in your lit department four years ago. Alleges you suggested she have her cunt removed so as to decrease her cuntiness.
Ari: Listen, sweetheart, you want to call and butter me up with some sympathy and then drop this on me because you think that I'm down and will kowtow to anything? Let me explain this to you in a metaphor you will understand: I am sure there are guys who have fingered you in the ass long enough that eventually you let them fuck it. And now you think you've got me bent over with your finger in my ass, thinkin I'm gonna let you do the same. I am not like you, Dana! You will not fuck me in the ass!
Barbara: And what are we working on today?
Ari: Kissing our employees' asses so no work gets done and we don't get sued.
Barbara: Are you being sarcastic?
Ari: Don't question my tone.
Mrs. Ari: Read it to me.
Ari: Come on.
Mrs. Ari: Fine. I'll read it. "After a staff meeting, Ari threw a stapler at the wall and screamed at a fellow agent that he needed to 'climb back inside his mother's vagina and cook a little longer?'"
Ari: That's funny.
Ari: I love you, Dana. And if I ever cheat on my wife, it will be you I'm fucking.