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Character Quotes

Ari Gold

Christina: Ari, it's 9:15. You asked me to do an hour.
Ari: Please play a little bit longer. I know I can't pay your fee, but I'll give you the deed to my house.
Christina: That's still not gonna cover it. I want your Lakers seats for the Playoffs. All of them.
Ari: Done! I'll tell you what. You give me a Grammy-worthy performance and I'll get Kobe Bryant to sing at your birthday.

Lloyd: I'm gonna make it through this, Ari Gold.
Ari: It'll be worse than when you had your anal cherry popped, but hey, you just might.

Ari: Lloyd, you were an art history major at Sarah Lawrence college, right?
Lloyd: Yes, I was.
Ari: Then you know how to pull this down off the wall. Grab it and put it down in Vinnie's car. Chop chop.

Ari: You have been given a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to take your lifestyle and your career to the next level. You throw it away on some 22-year-old and you're gonna be left with nothing but herpes.

Katie: You're cute. You'll get your groove back.
Ari: Stella did, right?
Katie: Who?
Ari: It... doesn't matter.

Eric: What am I supposed to do, Ari?
Ari: E, it's real simple. You stay on as producer or you walk out of pride. Either way, Charlie's going.
Eric: This is unbelievable.
Ari: Take heart. I mean, you produce 100 episodes of even mediocre television and you can send the kid a Gulfstream to cry on.

Barbara: Eric, we both know Vince has fucked half the actresses in this town. Mandy, on the other hand, is a good girl.
Eric: You seriously going to sit here and let them badmouth Vince like this?
Ari: I thought that was a compliment.

Ari: Bobby, why don't you go back to hiding in your kitchen before I shove a shiitake mushroom up your ass?

Mrs. Ari: What, you think that Bobby wouldn't tell me that you were there on a date?
Ari: Well, I guess the bro code's out the window when you're fucking someone's wife.

Ari: They drive that way in Tiananmen Square, bitch?

Ari: Lloyd! Pack up all my files! Pile everything you see into a box! Everything! If you see a used condom, an executioner's mask, and a goddamn spike paddle, don't think. Just pack that bitch. Chop suey!

Ari: I want you to keep an eye on Andrew Klein.
Lloyd: Keep my eyes on him how?
Ari: Pretend he's Zac Efron's ballsack and find me if you spot anything strange.

Ari: You a communist? Or are you a socialist? Or didn't they teach you the difference at Pepperoni U?

Lloyd: How'd it go?
Ari: How'd the fuckin Bay of Pigs go, Lloyd?

Ari: I simply wanted to take it out of the company. Borrow it.
Barbara: Eleven million dollars? I know you don't visit the accounting department very often, but cash flow is not ideal right now.
Ari: Then float me. You probably have that much in your Depends.

Ari: Lay off the icing, Dana. It looks like your hips could use a breather.

Josh: Gay? What are you talking about? This is supposed to be a badass mountain-climbing movie.
Ari: Did you read the book, Josh? I mean, there's a reason why he chose the handsome Sherpa who was educated at Oxford to show him up the mountain.
Josh: I was thinking about The Rock for the Sherpa.
Ari: There's an image. Josh, I don't mean to tell you your business, but what do you think they were doing in that cave for two weeks? They were using each other's asses as hand warmers.

Ari: Maybe we could have office phone sex, baby. Haven't done that since the early '90s.
Mrs. Ari: You have glass doors.
Ari: It'll be Lloyd's year-end bonus. He'd rather that than cash. Trust me.