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Character Quotes

Ari Gold

Eric: You'll never give me credit for anything, will you?
Ari: You got me. Are you kidding? Sundance, it's... it's a great festival for little people. You should kill over there. But for the rest of us normal folk, it's just a chance to try to fuck a Mormon.

Mrs. Ari: I ask for one hour out of the day for his undivided attention. And I can't even have that.
Ari: You can have it if you wanna live in Agoura fucking Hills. And go to group therapy. But if you want a Beverly Hills mansion, and you want a country club membership, and you want nine weeks a year at a Tuscan villa, then I'm gonna need to take a call when it comes in at noon on a motherfucking Wednesday!

Ari: Tell her assistant if she does not call me back, I will fuck her worse than I did in Cabo in '92.

Ari: What the fuck do we pay you for? To get your agency card laminated so you can go to Shelter and try to fuck Mischa Barton?

Eric: How can they print that? It's not even true.
Ari: Oh, come on. Variety's like a high school paper. They pay their writers twenty-eight grand a year to find out something to write about the popular kids.

Ari: What the fuck are you wearing?
Lloyd: I'm trying out new looks. This one's my Andre 3000. You like?
Ari: No I don't. You look like Michelle Kwan in drag. Why don't you do a triple fuckin axel over to the phone and try Cameron again?

Ari: I want you to pass this message along to Dana. Tell her that I still have the pictures from Cancun. Tell her that I'm going to start a website. I'm gonna take a full-page ad out in the LA Times advertising it. Tell her it will be called imahollywoodexecutivewhore dot com and that no password or fee will be required. Tell her I want a fucking callback.

Ari: Amazing you're still showing up at school like this. Won't let the nanny do it? Whatever they're paying you, it's not enough.
Dana: All right, what are you doing here, Ari? This is really not a good time.
Ari: Okay, fine. When is a good time? Tonight at your house? We'll invite your husband, have a little slideshow.

Eric: Ari, I'm getting killed over here. Vince isn't happy.
Ari: Of course he's not happy. Nobody's happy in this town except for the losers. Look at me. I'm miserable. That's why I'm rich.

Vince: I can't believe you want me to do a commercial. Ari, I started in this business peddling Mentos. I don't wanna go back.
Ari: Vinnie. All the big shots - all of them - do foreign commercials. You think L. Ron pays for Travolta's planes? Please. Big John has been pumping the Japs full of Sanka for years.

Ari: Well, she told Cameron last night at dinner her favorite actor in this town is you.
Vince: Sharon Stone said that? She's still good looking.
Ari: Yeah, in the right light.

Eric: I did a little more than take initiative. I got us a lunch. 2:50 today.
Ari: 2:50? Everyone knows 2:50 is a jerkoff meeting. What is he gonna do, clear his throat until the 3:00 comes?
Eric: Well I guess you don't have to worry about it cause he said not to bring you.
Ari: Not to bring me? Really? Well, without me, he'd be producing Kevin Smith movies for the rest of his life.

Ari: You don't come to Sundance for the snow. You come for the heat.

Eric: Well, what are you hearing about the Gosling and Franco movies? They good?
Ari: I hear that they're great. I hear that every movie at Sundance is the best movie that was ever made.

Ari: Guess who just closed a deal on the new Osmond pay-per-view Christmas special? NC17, baby. Gonna get Marie to undo the top button.

Ari: Door number two is a list.
Vince: What list?
Ari: James Cameron's list for Aquagirl. Five of the hottest actresses on the planet. One of which you will be stuck in a water tank with for nine months. Even if you look like our skim-milk-colored friend E, here, you still have a good shot of swimming in between her legs.

Vince: No, no, wait, E. Save it for the beach. Have something to talk to the guys about.
Ari: You guys don't talk about politics at the beach?

Ari: You've got Gold.
Dana: Do you really answer the phone like that or did you see it was me?