Eric "E" Murphy
Turtle: You were driving when Vince was 7? How fucking old are you, Drama?
Drama: 31. Get off my ass.
Eric: 31, Drama? Yeah, in dog years maybe.
Drama: So how are those seats?
Ari: They're nosebleed. Just like you like em, right?
Drama: "Floor level or bust." That's my motto.
Eric: I thought it was, "will act for food."
Eric: Sloan is not like other girls.
Drama: All girls are like other girls, E, just like all guys are like other guys. The world is split into two groups: penises and pussies. Penises want to run free and pussies want to land the penis.
Eric: Amazing you guys have such a hard time getting laid, then.
Drama: You should've started dating her next week, bro. Could've saved yourself some coin. I remember I broke up with Stacy Laruzso a week before Valentine's Day. I got back with her a week after. No chocolates, no roses -
Eric: No class.
Drama: Call him up and try to smooth it over.
Eric: I did call.
Drama: What did he say?
Eric: He said his foreskin was more supportive than we are.
Drama: Johnny Chase is about to get a love interest.
Eric: Mail order bride?
Drama: On the show, wiseass. And don't be bitter just because I'll be spending the day test driving the lips of some of Hollywood's finest actresses to find my match.
Turtle: We won't be bitter but they might.
Vince: I told you. I don't wanna see the movie. I can't watch myself again.
Drama: I love watching myself.
Eric: Too bad the audience doesn't.
Vince: I know he can have unemotional sex. He just chooses not to. In fact, I'll bet he could get some before the both of you two.
Drama: Please. I'm a celebrity again, bro. I could get laid at a funeral.
Eric: And that would be unemotional for you or the dead girl?
Turtle: Didn't they ship him off to rehab for Vicodin addiction?
Ari: Hey, moron, he's 13.
Drama: In celeb years that's like 30.
Eric: So what's that make you, Drama, like 140?
Drama: Let me get this straight... she convinces you to get these extravagant accommodations... and then she bails?
Eric: She didn't bail. She got sick. Before the date, unlike your girls who get sick when they arrive.
Turtle: Since when don't we share the details of our love life?
Eric: Since you shared the details of the girl with anal warts.
Turtle: That was therapy, not entertainment.
Ari: The good news is I just sold Playboy TV to North Korea. Kim Jong-Il loves Night Calls. The bad news is your boy Drama will not be joining us.
Eric: You know, Ari, you carry about as much weight as Lara Flynn Boyle.
Eric: How are those want ads looking, Turtle?
Turtle: Depressing. You guys think I could sell myself to old broads for cash?
Eric: Yeah, if they have vision problems.
Vince: You want me to put you in my wish, Johnny?
Drama: If you don't mind.
Eric: What do you want him to wish for, Drama, that someone recognizes you?
Drama: Speaking of which, are you going to give me cash or Vince's black card cause there's a couple more things I might need.
Eric: What do you wanna do now, Drama? Do you wanna get your ears pinned back?
Drama: No, I'm gonna need a new set of kitchen knives, dickface. These blades are for shit. You know Vince likes his tomatoes sliced paper-thin.
Turtle: You're not even listening to me.
Eric: I heard every word you said, Turtle, not one of which I like.
Turtle: Why not?
Eric: Because Vince isn't going to be the face of some tequila company. He's not Aunt Jemima.
Turtle: It's not like the Yanks are in town.
Drama: Or the Mets.
Eric: The Mets? Who cares about the Mets?
Drama: Pick on me all you want, Turtle, but you never and shall forever never get what I've had.