Johnny "Drama" Chase
Drama: Turtle, if you can't get laid here, turn your dick in.
Billy: You seem angry, Drama.
Drama: I've always been, Billy. Only now I'm drunk, too.
Eric: Do you think the night before a Mormon wedding the guy says "how am I gonna sleep with the same eight women for the rest of my life?"
Drama: Hey, I've been married. Lovin one girl right is tough enough. Lovin eight would be impossible.
Eric: Your giggling's making me a little nauseous.
Vince: Giggling? There was no giggling. I laughed.
Turtle: Sounded like a giggle to me.
Drama: If your voice goes up in pitch past a high C, it's a giggle. You hit a D there, bro.
Turtle: How do they not have Fruit Loops?
Drama: You can't get anything in Malibu because it's impossible to get deliveries.
Eric: You make it like we're in the Far East, Drama.
Drama: Trust me, I know Malibu. One second there's no Fruit Loops, the next a mudslide is slinging a 400-pound boulder through your dining room.
Drama: This is kind of embarrassing. Sometimes I wake up in the morning fully tented. Any advice?
Dr. Joyce Brothers: Well, at your age, consider yourself lucky.
Drama: My age? How fucking old do you think I am?
Turtle: I'd give my nuts to be that guy for one day.
Drama: Well, if you had no nuts, what would be the use? Or would you then be hoping that you'd have Vince's nuts?
Turtle: You know what my pops used to say?
Drama: "I wish I had a daughter?"
Turtle: You're really not going to get me a gift?
Drama: No, I'm really not. Because grown men shouldn't buy other grown men birthday gifts unless they're fucking.
Drama: It's 7:35am in Senegal... and 7:53 in Tikrit.
Eric: Minutes don't change, Drama. Only the hour.
Drama: Yeah, like you've ever been to Tikrit.
Drama: How'd you like to see this place rocking a 90210 ZIP code?
Turtle: You're 40 feet from the border now. What's gonna change?
Drama: That's like asking what changes between North and South Korean borders.
Turtle: He cries in front of her, shows her he's sensitive... bang! He moves right in.
Drama: Yeah. His tears will basically act as a lubricant.
Mayor: I tell you, she is one doll.
Drama: Yeah, well, according to some, that Barbie might be a Ken.
Drama: She might have balls, your honor. She's a he; transformer, hermaphrodite, something that just ain't right.
Eric: The only person you ever loved is yourself.
Drama: What's not to love?
Vince: Johnny, what was wrong with her?
Drama: She was top tall, bro.
Turtle: What the fuck is top tall?
Drama: Torso's too long, leg's are too short. She was inverted.
Eric: We had breakup sex, all right?
Drama: Breakup sex? Never heard of it.
Eric: Yeah, I mean, you know... you have sex and then that's it. You say "goodbye."
Drama: That's the only kind of sex I have.
Turtle: I thought he quit.
Drama: Cigarettes, not pussy.
Turtle: Wow, Drama. You swore on your career?
Drama: I had my balls crossed.