Johnny "Drama" Chase
Eric: The only person you ever loved is yourself.
Drama: What's not to love?
Eric: We had breakup sex, all right?
Drama: Breakup sex? Never heard of it.
Eric: Yeah, I mean, you know... you have sex and then that's it. You say "goodbye."
Drama: That's the only kind of sex I have.
Turtle: I thought he quit.
Drama: Cigarettes, not pussy.
Turtle: Where's Tanya?
Drama: Doing push-ups in the mens bathroom for all I know. I'm done with that girl.
Turtle: Do you guys not see the problem here? Vince said she was staying a couple of nights, all right? A couple's two.
Drama: Except in Utah.
Drama: How'd she look?
Turtle: Good enough to eat I bet, huh?
Drama: Too bad Vince can't eat animal products anymore.
Turtle: I thought you don't pay for sex?
Drama: I'm not payin for sex. I'm payin her rent, jerkoff.
Turtle: Vince ain't got no weaknesses.
Drama: That's a double negative.
Drama: You just said he's got weaknesses.
Drama: You know, Vince. Wearing a costume can be very liberating as an actor. You remember how much I enjoyed being a Power Ranger.
Turtle: You were a Power Ranger on City Walk, Drama. You were trying to get people to change their long distance plan.
Drama: So? Still liberating.
Drama: Turtle, if you can't get laid here, turn your dick in.
Eric: Do you think the night before a Mormon wedding the guy says "how am I gonna sleep with the same eight women for the rest of my life?"
Drama: Hey, I've been married. Lovin one girl right is tough enough. Lovin eight would be impossible.
Turtle: How do they not have Fruit Loops?
Drama: You can't get anything in Malibu because it's impossible to get deliveries.
Eric: You make it like we're in the Far East, Drama.
Drama: Trust me, I know Malibu. One second there's no Fruit Loops, the next a mudslide is slinging a 400-pound boulder through your dining room.
Drama: This is kind of embarrassing. Sometimes I wake up in the morning fully tented. Any advice?
Dr. Joyce Brothers: Well, at your age, consider yourself lucky.
Drama: My age? How fucking old do you think I am?
Turtle: You know what my pops used to say?
Drama: "I wish I had a daughter?"
Drama: It's 7:35am in Senegal... and 7:53 in Tikrit.
Eric: Minutes don't change, Drama. Only the hour.
Drama: Yeah, like you've ever been to Tikrit.
Turtle: He cries in front of her, shows her he's sensitive... bang! He moves right in.
Drama: Yeah. His tears will basically act as a lubricant.
Vince: Johnny, what was wrong with her?
Drama: She was top tall, bro.
Turtle: What the fuck is top tall?
Drama: Torso's too long, leg's are too short. She was inverted.
Turtle: So, what'd they get?
Eric: The original Shrek doll.
Drama: Well you can rule out Turtle. He'd only take a doll he can fuck.