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Character Quotes

Johnny "Drama" Chase

Eric: We're going to the Valley, Drama, not the Sahara.
Drama: Hey, don't kid yourself, E. North of Ventura Boulevard is hell's waiting room. Be prepared.

Jay: We wanted to know if you guys wanted to come to a party. It's our big graduation bash.
Turtle: A high school party? Sorry, kid, we don't go to a party where the girls aren't legal.
Drama: Although we do like them barely legal.

Drama: Vince, being charming is all about body language, bro.
Eric: Vince knows how to charm, Drama.
Drama: Yeah, women, but... man charm is a totally different animal. You gotta get in close enough to entice but not so close as to encroach.

Drama: I get toffee, mocha... and a hint of terra firma.
Eric: Terra firma's dirt, Drama.
Drama: Yeah, well, wine comes from dirt, E.

Turtle: So, what'd they get?
Eric: The original Shrek doll.
Drama: Well you can rule out Turtle. He'd only take a doll he can fuck.

Eric: So we're going to take all these to the studio?
Vince: Unless you think we're gonna look like schmucks driving the same car.
Drama: We'd be schmucks in Jettas. In Aston Martins we look good and independently wealthy.

Drama: I'm an actor. With no agent! You know what they say, an actor with no agent...
Eric: Is what?
Drama: Is fucked.

Eric: You shoot the first half now, before Aquaman 2, while he's skinny. You shoot the second half after he wraps when Vince piles on the pasta.
Vince: Like De Niro in Raging Bull.
Paul: Like Clooney in Syriana.
Drama: Or Johnny Chase in The Comish when I played that bulimic pedophile. Did you see that one, Paul?

Drama: Did you hear what she said when I offered to buy her a drink?
Turtle: No, what?
Drama: "No thank you."
Eric: What a bitch.

Turtle: I'm so whackin off to your girlfriend tonight.
Eric: Loser.
Drama: I was plannin on whackin off to Vince's girl, but this definitely tops that.

Drama: Take this seriously, E. When opportunity knocks, let her the fuck in. And for God's sakes, let her go down on your girlfriend.

Eric: She was cold, right?
Drama: Cold? She ran from you like a chicken with a bad cough.
Turtle: What does that mean?
Drama: It's an avian flu reference.

Eric: Take me home. I'm going to drive over to her hotel and apologize.
Vince: What? Apologize? For snuggling her?
Eric: For invading her space. I don't know.
Drama: You're a sensitive guy, E. It's kinda queer.

Drama: You're like a chick! I mean the guy cannot have unemotional sex.
Eric: I didn't have sex.
Drama: Whatever. You can't whack off without weeping.

Turtle: Here she comes. She looks angry.
Drama: Good. I like em mean. Makes taming them a greater challenge.

Drama: You know, Eddie Burns offered me Brothers McMullen. True story. But I took a TV show instead.
Turtle: Is that when you did your full-frontal Red Shoe Diary?
Drama: No, that's when I did my three episode arc on 90210, sexually harassing Tori Spelling.
Turtle: Nice choice.

Turtle: You don't want strippers at dinner because your gay masseuse is joining us? I'm really starting to worry about you, Drama.
Drama: Please, Turtle, Ken is not gay. In fact, if I release him on the strippers tonight, you're going to be shit out of luck.

Turtle: Where the fuck is Saigon?
Drama: Maybe he got clipped in a drive-by... that would suck.