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Character Quotes


Vince: I think I'm getting married. I'm serious. I'm absolutely in love with this woman.
Drama: What? Was the sex that good?
Vince: Yeah, but that's not it.
Turtle: It's that or you're back on drugs.

Turtle: Vince is the best guy I've ever known. He takes care of so many people and makes so much happen for them but doesn't expect anything in return. You know this guy paid off my mother's mortgage when they were going to repossess her house and he never told us? And this was years ago when he only had a few bucks.

Turtle: What can you do on the price?
Realtor: You haven't even asked what the price is yet.
Turtle: I'm sure I need it reduced.

Drama: Bro, didn't I used to bang her sister?
Vince: Yeah. Actually, she said she asked about you.
Turtle: She probably wants to find out if you were the one that gave her the herpes.
Drama: Well, at least I get laid often enough to be a suspect.

Turtle: Says here Sophia Lear got a first from Oxford.
Vince: What's a first?
Turtle: I don't know. Gotta be better than a second.

Carl: Hey, Vince. How are you?
Vince: I'm doing good, Carl. I was just telling my buddy over here how the program got me to let go of all my anger towards you.
Carl: Oh, that's good.
Turtle: I'm not in the program, so I still think you're a douche.

Drama: Why are you dressed like it's '04?
Turtle: All my clothes burned up in the fire. "Why are you dressed for a bisexual paintball tournament" is a better question.
Drama: Bisexual? This shirt is mad hetero. Look at these pythons. You can clearly see I'm hiding an eight pack under here.

Turtle: I don't know if I like Carlos or not, but you know what? I think we need him. I think we could use him. He's a personality, and to be honest, he'll sell the product better than Vince will. Like Juan Valdez did for coffee. Like Aunt Jemima did for syrup. Like that "where's the beef?" lady did for whatever the fuck she was selling.

Alex: I need money now, Turtle.
Turtle: Well, then I hope you're a better waitress than you are a driver.

Drama: I move so good, Alex, I should be on Dancing with the Stars.
Turtle: And if you were a star, you probably would be.

Turtle: You really think I'm some ugly loser, huh?
Alex: I didn't say that.
Turtle: No, but the first time I tried to kiss you, you looked at me like I was a venereal disease.

Turtle: I'm just on edge a little.
Billy: Let me tell you, shoving that poison down your throat's not the remedy.
Turtle: Poison? This is 100% pure agave.

Sasha: If you don't make a move soon, Turtle, I'm going to have to.
Alex: He's made moves. We're just taking it slow.
Turtle: Real slow. Like the 405 at rush hour.

Alex: Stay tonight. Sleep on it. Then we'll go to the factory in the morning. It'll blow you away.
Turtle: Are we sleeping on it together?
Alex: I don't want you to think I did it for the wrong reasons.
Turtle: I don't care why you do it.

Alex: You are such a lightweight.
Turtle: I had eight shots! Are you trying to get me drunk so you can take advantage of me? Cause I don't have to be drunk for you to do that.

Vince: You're not really nervous about this meeting are you, Johnny?
Drama: Yeah, bro, of course I am. That's why I thought I'd host him here. And maybe you could meet him and he could see the place and really get a feel for what I'm all about.
Turtle: And you can show him you can play the ugly brother in real life, too.

Turtle: I just want to make sure you forgive me.
Alex: Why do you care?
Turtle: I don't know. I like to be liked, and I hate to be hated.

Eric: You nervous?
Vince: My hand's shaking a little, but I'll be okay. What's the worse that could happen?
Drama: Vic Morrow got his head chopped off by a helicopter.
Turtle: Brandon Lee got shot with squibs.