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Character Quotes

Turtle

Eric: Could you get laid without Vince? That's the question.
Turtle: Do I give a fuck? That's the answer.

Drama: You didn't call bank shot.
Turtle: I did too. You didn't hear me.
Drama: You got to learn to project.
Turtle: You know, you hire a vocal coach and you become a real asshole.

Drama: Look, Vince. There's no shame in playing gay. Look at Tom Hanks in Philadelphia. Guy won an Oscar. I'd take it in the ass on camera for an Oscar.
Turtle: You'd take it in the ass for a guest spot on The Hughleys.

Eric: Did you cancel the newspapers?
Turtle: You gotta tell me these things.
Eric: You gotta learn to anticipate, Turtle.
Turtle: There's a chain of command, all right? I'm a soldier. I wait for orders.

Turtle: My point is we should have a hot cleaning lady who fucks.
Eric: Well, then she'd be a hooker.
Turtle: Yeah. A hooker who cleans.

Drama: You know, Cassie, you've inspired me. I'm not gonna join the Corps, per se, but I think when I get home I'm gonna log in some time downtown at the soup kitchen.
Turtle: You know, every time I see a homeless person, I cry. Seriously.

Drama: Who wants to take a ride into town with me?
Vince: Sorry, Johnny. Got a scuba lesson. Take Turtle.
Turtle: Aw, come on, Vince. I don't want to miss scuba. You know how buoyant I am.

Turtle: Seriously, do we need to wear suits?
Eric: What else are you gonna wear to a Bat Mitzvah, Turtle? A Knick jersey?
Turtle: It's formal... I was thinking home whites.

Turtle: I'm fucking starving!
Drama: You know how much food is going to be at this thing? You eating now would be like jerking off an hour before fucking a supermodel.
Turtle: If I was fucking a supermodel, I would jerk off. That way I can go all night.

Drama: Didn't even offer us a drink. That's a zero for service.
Turtle: But still, I'd give em a ten for amenities if she'd let me service that ass.

Eric: You were so excited.
Vince: It's cause Amanda was excited. She got me excited. She knows how to sell.
Drama: I'd buy diseased fish from her.
Turtle: I'd eat it.

Drama: We got a sure thing running in the fifth.
Eric: How do you know, Drama?
Drama: Because I know the pony's granddad. And in horse racing, as in life, a good lineage is the surest way to predict a fine performance.
Turtle: Well how come you're from Vince's lineage and all your performances suck?

Drama: I don't know. I felt good about the show and all, but now that it's actually airing...
Eric: The show is great, Drama. Just relax.
Turtle: It really is, Drama. And this is coming from someone who's never liked your work.

Drama: We were never guys who were about money, Turtle. We were always guys who were about integrity.
Turtle: Hmm. Is that what got you to do that commercial where you and your wife had a bad case of the runs at the opera?
Drama: That was a national spot. And I got a chance to show a lot of range.

Rita: Let's just say Vince may be starring in Gus Van Sant's new movie.
Ronnie: Hey, Drama, you gonna be in that movie, too?
Turtle: The closest he's getting to Gus Van Sant is whacking it to My Own Private Idaho.

Vince: I'd just be happy to avoid a Razzie.
Drama: There's nothing wrong with a Razzie, bro.
Turtle: Yeah, Drama's gonna go for the hat trick if he ever gets another movie.

Drama: I tried to get Berenson to sign me like nine times in the '90s.
Turtle: At least we know he has great taste.

Turtle: Says here Sophia Lear got a first from Oxford.
Vince: What's a first?
Turtle: I don't know. Gotta be better than a second.