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Character Quotes


Vince: Johnny, what's up with you and the legs?
Turtle: He thinks his are too thin.
Drama: I'm reading for Point Dume tomorrow... I'm a little stressed.
Turtle: I'd be more concerned about your face, Drama.

Eric: I'm not miserable. I'm pissed I got stuck with a $400 hotel room.
Vince: Ohh... Peninsula has a 24-hour cancellation policy.
Turtle: You should at least go jerk off on the bed, man. I mean, if you gotta pay for it...

Drama: You guys wouldn't go to the mansion without me... right...?
Turtle: Hey, don't worry. We'll bring you back a playmate doggie bag.

Vince: Johnny Depp's got the kind of career I want.
Eric: Johnny Depp did Pirates of the Caribbean. And if I'm not mistaken, he wore a swashbuckler costume and carried a sword.
Turtle: Yeah I heard he dresses like that in real life, though.

Eric: Turtle, you know you forgot to take the price tags off your pajamas?
Turtle: I didn't forget, all right? I'm returning these on Monday.
Vince: Guy's a genius.
Turtle: Besides, what's the use of spending $1200 on PJs if nobody knows it?

Drama: You know, you should go easy on me, Shauna. I'm going in for surgery.
Shauna: Surgery? Are you okay?
Drama: It's elective. I'd rather not talk about it.
Turtle: He's having his botched adult circumcision corrected.

Eric: Do you really think we need a shark, Vince?
Turtle: Yes. We do, E. And we should consider getting some lobsters too. We get bored of em, Drama can throw em in that new oven we're getting him.

Turtle: Yo, E. This is Vince's first cover, I think. Good job, baby.
Drama: Yeah, E. You're en feugo. I may want you to start managing me soon. Why haven't you asked to manage me yet?
Turtle: He's waiting for your new legs to come in, Drama.

Eric: Wick won't call me back. It's like they don't believe I'm your manager.
Turtle: We don't believe it, why should they?

Turtle: My point is we should have a hot cleaning lady who fucks.
Eric: Well, then she'd be a hooker.
Turtle: Yeah. A hooker who cleans.

Drama: You know, Cassie, you've inspired me. I'm not gonna join the Corps, per se, but I think when I get home I'm gonna log in some time downtown at the soup kitchen.
Turtle: You know, every time I see a homeless person, I cry. Seriously.

Cassie: Come on. Guys, are you for real, or is this just an act and you're both still trying to get with me?
Drama: Actually, I'm still trying to get with you.
Turtle: Me too. I'm just a way better actor than he is.

Drama: Who wants to take a ride into town with me?
Vince: Sorry, Johnny. Got a scuba lesson. Take Turtle.
Turtle: Aw, come on, Vince. I don't want to miss scuba. You know how buoyant I am.

Turtle: Jesus Christ. Ari Gold, you just got demoted to silver.

Drama: What are you doing in town?
Jessie: Promoting my new comic book, Pussy Patrol. It's me and the girls. We lick ass by day and kick ass by night. You should come by the booth.
Turtle: Yeah, as long as we get there before nightfall.

Drama: Every year I like to take a day and soak in some sun. It always freaks people out at my booth when Tarvold is tan.
Turtle: It freaks me out that people actually go to your booth.

Turtle: Seriously, do we need to wear suits?
Eric: What else are you gonna wear to a Bat Mitzvah, Turtle? A Knick jersey?
Turtle: It's formal... I was thinking home whites.

Turtle: I'm fucking starving!
Drama: You know how much food is going to be at this thing? You eating now would be like jerking off an hour before fucking a supermodel.
Turtle: If I was fucking a supermodel, I would jerk off. That way I can go all night.