Character Quotes

Turtle

Drama: You know, I did the fall down the steps myself on My So-Called Life. It was very liberating.
Turtle: Your brain hasn't worked right since.

Turtle: Any idea how quick I can get to Rome?
Attendant: You just flew in from LA!
Turtle: Oh yeah, I'm trying to break the Guinness record for most miles in 24 hours! What's it to you?

Turtle: I'm really sorry.
Brooke: I'll live.
Turtle: Yeah, but I got you all worked up and now I'm just abandoning you? That's not fair. You want me to go down on you or something?

Vince: We're gonna have one drink, Johnny. Relax.
Johnny: Yeah, well, better make it a fast one. I need my beauty sleep for tomorrow.
Turtle: Come on. You need to start sleeping years ago if you're gonna have any shot at being beautiful, Drama.

Drama: I bet he's observing us right now. Gonna come in and grade us on our vigilance.
Eric: What do you think Turtle's face in a bong will earn us?
Turtle: An "A" for calmness under pressure.

Turtle: What do you know?
Jamie-Lynn: I'm a football fan.
Turtle: Yeah, I thought a Giants fan. And if you really were, you'd know it's the obligation of every true blue Giants fan that, if you see Tom Brady, you tell him he sucks balls.

Drama: I tried to get Berenson to sign me like nine times in the '90s.
Turtle: At least we know he has great taste.

Turtle: It's birthday blues, I guess.
Drama: You've got a hot car and a hot girlfriend coming over. What do you have to be blue about?
Turtle: It's my birthday. I can be whatever color I want.

Turtle: My mother's mean.
Drama: She always was. Remember your thirteenth birthday? She got you a Weight Watchers membership.
Turtle: Didn't until now.

Jamie-Lynn: I think he looks cool and handsome.
Drama: I think he looks bloated. I begged him to see my colonic guy.
Turtle: Unlike you, I don't like guys stickin stuff up my ass.

Drama: Are you kidding? She loves me. You shoulda seen her eyes bulge when the tailor was measuring my inseam.
Vince: Why don't you invite her?
Drama: Maybe.
Turtle: Her or your hand. Tough decision.

Vince: I'd just be happy to avoid a Razzie.
Drama: There's nothing wrong with a Razzie, bro.
Turtle: Yeah, Drama's gonna go for the hat trick if he ever gets another movie.

Rita: Let's just say Vince may be starring in Gus Van Sant's new movie.
Ronnie: Hey, Drama, you gonna be in that movie, too?
Turtle: The closest he's getting to Gus Van Sant is whacking it to My Own Private Idaho.

Drama: I can give you plenty of advice on how to audition, bro.
Turtle: He needs advice on how to successfully audition.
Drama: I've booked my fair share of jobs, jerkoff, including this one right here.
Turtle: 1 in 1,000,000's not the odds we're looking for.

Rita: What? She doesn't cook for you anymore?
Turtle: Sadly, my mom's cooking has gone to shit. And it started at crap.

Jamie-Lynn: Why don't you take over this limo business and I will be the driver?
Turtle: Hot girls driving limos. I love that. Call it Lim-hos.

Josh: Lots of movie stars do TV! George Clooney did ER, for Christ's sake.
Eric: That was before he was George Clooney. No one goes backwards cause you don't get back to movies.
Turtle: You didn't see Leo in the Growing Pains reunion.

Vince: I guess I'm just not cut out for the fashion world.
Drama: Ah, forget it. That whole world is deviance, bro. The dudes bang each other while the chicks watch. The chicks bang each other while more chicks watch.
Turtle: Yet nobody will let you watch anything.