Episode Quotes

S01E03, Talk Show

Eric: The only person you ever loved is yourself.
Drama: What's not to love?

Eric: We had breakup sex, all right?
Drama: Breakup sex? Never heard of it.
Eric: Yeah, I mean, you know... you have sex and then that's it. You say "goodbye."
Drama: That's the only kind of sex I have.

Turtle: I thought he quit.
Drama: Cigarettes, not pussy.

Drama: It's a new recipe. Tofu spirulina scramble. It's delish. Taste it.
Turtle: Smells like dog shit scramble.

Vince: Look, breaking up is painful. That's why I never do it. I mean why hurt someone when you can just let it drag on forever?

Turtle: Shauna, you should get me on a talk show. I'd kill.
Shauna: Maybe I'll get you on Springer. "Fat Little Horny Fucks and the Women That Despise Them."

Shauna: Fuck spontaneity. Well-dressed, well-prepared... that's what makes you a star.
Vince: You wanna write that down for me just in case I forget?

Turtle: Yo, you think she'll bring other hotties with her?
Eric: Why would she?
Turtle: Cause, E, hotties roll in packs, baby.

Eric: Well, you look great.
Kristen: Thanks. I'm probably in the best shape of my life. You look like shit.
Eric: I do?
Kristen: Yeah. And who's been cutting your hair? Turtle?

Turtle: Ooh, she's hot.
Rufus: Yeah. She's gonna be naked in a second.

Eric: So... what? You just had sex with me as like a goodbye?
Kristen: Yeah. And it was great.
Eric: I feel dirty.
Kristen: Take a shower.

Turtle: I don't know about the afterlife but this life is sweet.

Emily: Have you ever tried Nicorette?
Eric: I did. I tried it but I couldn't follow the instructions.

Ari: Tell him I don't represent talent. I represent temperature and he's not hot.

Jimmy Kimmel: So, let's talk about the movie. It comes out this weekend...
Vince: I don't wanna talk about the movie.
Jimmy Kimmel: You don't wanna talk about the movie...
Vince: Well, it's a mystery. I wouldn't wanna give anything away.