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Episode Quotes

S03E01, Aquamom

Vince: Johnny, what was wrong with her?
Drama: She was top tall, bro.
Turtle: What the fuck is top tall?
Drama: Torso's too long, leg's are too short. She was inverted.

James: So this is the shithole he's been working out of, huh?
Lloyd: You haven't been up here yet?
James: No. He's hiding this place like Anne Frank.

Ari: It's dust, Lloyd. It's fucking dust. Why is it here?
Lloyd: The cleaning staff's on strike. You know that.
Ari: They strike, you work. You're Asian. You're supposed to be a neat freak. Go get a rag.

Ari: Now go grab a rag! Go! I want every desk to be sterile enough for you to get trained on!

Ari: Big week. The kind of week that you will remember your whole lives. Like the week that you got your first blowjob. Do you remember that week? I do. Ninth grade.
Eric: One of the boys on the chess team, Ari?
Ari: Oh, E. You could've never gotten this girl. Never. Beth Mariposa. Had a mouth like a Dyson vacuum, you know? Never lost suction.

Turtle: Look at these two... the one on the left's from the 50 Cent video.
Drama: Ooh... video hos. I love it.

Vince: Let me ask you a question: what's so special about these two, huh?
Turtle: These two will fuck us if we take them, guaranteed.
Vince: How do you know?
Turtle: Because they said, "if you take us, we'll fuck you."

Ari: Vinnie opens on Friday. He is the first seed to bloom. He's going to be the biggest movie star on the planet. You know that.
Mrs. Ari: No, Ari, I don't.
Ari: Well, you need to know that I know that, okay? And you need to trust me the way you trust your daddy's trust fund. All right? I mean you call them personal savings but you haven't saved shit personally.

Ari: What the fuck is gonna make me leave now?
Mrs. Ari: You could die.
Ari: You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Mrs. Ari: Not until I saw that the life insurance check didn't bounce.

James: How bout you got five seconds to give me my fucking tickets?
Drama: Or what? You gonna huff and puff and blow the house down?
James: How bout I'm gonna knock this fuckin door down and come in there and shove your head up Turtle's ass?!