Episode Quotes

S03E02, One Day in the Valley

Eric: You having a blackout over there too?
Ari: I haven't had a blackout since I took four Quaaludes and forgot I fucked Chantal Lautenberg. Why?
Eric: Cause we're in Northridge. The whole area's blacked out. Is there any way this is gonna affect the numbers?
Ari: I didn't even know that Northridge survived the '94 quake, E. Don't worry about that.

Ari: After the year that I've had and on the most important day of my life, you'd think that she would ask me what I wanted. You know? A nice blowjob, perhaps. Where I could just sit back for the first time in nine months and do nothing but admire the top of her head and pray that this fuckin movie opens so I can stop selling off assets like we're fucking Michael Jackson.

Eric: If this movie opens at 50 million, we're all working at Del Taco come Monday.

Ari: Not even 10 A.M. and it's burning up out there.
Lloyd: I know. My widget says it's 96 already.
Ari: What the fuck's a widget? And why are you sitting like that? Seriously. What are you, wearing a butt plug?

Lloyd: That is an authentic 12th century Yong Shi warrior, Ari. He's the Mongolian symbol of strength. If you carry him, you cannot be stopped!
Ari: This is Hollywood, Lloyd. The only thing Mongolian is barbecue. But thanks. I'll take what I can get.

Eric: We're going to the Valley, Drama, not the Sahara.
Drama: Hey, don't kid yourself, E. North of Ventura Boulevard is hell's waiting room. Be prepared.

Ari: Listen, the over-and-under is $95. We hit $100 and I've got wood.

Drama: This is inhuman.
Turtle: I guess it's true what they say. The heat really does affect the elderly.
Eric: Seriously, Drama, cause I haven't seen somebody sweat like that since Patrick Ewing retired.

Dr. Marcus: So, when is the last time you had sex?
Ari: With each other, or...?
Mrs. Ari: Look, if you're not going to take this seriously, Ari -
Ari: Honey, I'm taking it seriously. It's just for the amount of money that we're spending here, I could get you a pro to service even your most bizarre fetishes.

Dr. Marcus: Ari? Don't you feel that a lacking sexual relationship is a big problem in a marriage?
Ari: Oh, I do, doc. But we fuck more than any other married couple you know. And I know this because whenever we go out with another married couple and the subject comes up, they always say, "I can't believe how often you guys fuck."

Jay: We wanted to know if you guys wanted to come to a party. It's our big graduation bash.
Turtle: A high school party? Sorry, kid, we don't go to a party where the girls aren't legal.
Drama: Although we do like them barely legal.

Ari: Blackouts?! Fucking blackouts?! Thank you very much.
Mrs. Ari: The town will understand, Ari. It's not the movie's fault.
Ari: Baby, it wasn't the Cubs' fault when that douchebag grabbed the foul ball, either, but they still don't get a World Series ring. There are no asterisks in this life. Only scoreboards. And ours is currently reading "fucked."

Ari: I promise you, when I get back, no matter what, we're going to dent that headboard. No bullshit. I guarantee you will not walk right tomorrow.