S05E01, Fantasy Island
Drama: I remember crying myself to sleep when Roger Ebert singled out my performance in License to Drive as the end of the golden age of cinema.
Agent: I liked Medellin, Ari.
Ari: Well, then you're a fucking idiot.
Ari: Carl, my man, how you doin? I saw your trailer last night. Very, very scary stuff. Makes Nightmare on Elm Street look like Free Willy.
Carl: I saw Roeper last night.
Ari: Fuck Richard Roeper. You know I went to college with him? Yeah, when he was pledging, we used to tie beer cans around his nuts and make him walk across campus. I think last night was payback.
Carl: I want to sit down with Vince.
Ari: He's in Mexico.
Carl: Yeah, I heard he's hiding on the beach somewhere, huh?
Ari: Think again. He's doing improvised readings with Cuaron and del Toro til something pops.
Eric: Are they going to pay him?
Ari: Wow. All about the money these days. Makes me proud and yet a little sad that you've lost that prepubescent boyish charm.
Eric: So do we have an offer or a meeting?
Ari: We have an offer pending a meeting.
Eric: An offer pending a meeting is not a fucking offer, Ari.
Ari: How long have you been is this town, Opie? An offer pending a meeting is what you get when you make a shit movie and haven't been seen this side of the border in six months. We're living in a post-Medellin world. But amazingly enough, if Vince shows up with all of his limbs intact and doesn't have some sort of seizure in front of Ertz, we are back in the game.
Drama: We've done 54 episodes and I've never gone right. Even if we do 500 more, I never will.
Linda: Come on. Johnny, let's just get this done.
Drama: Let him shoot you without a padded bra, Linda, and then I'll let him shoot my right side.
Vince: What do you think, girls? Should I do a movie called Danger Beach?
Eric: It's a working title.
Vince: Yeah, well, it's not working for me.
Ari: You two have a little rift? Playing the Medellin blame game? Let it go. Like a bad piece of pussy, just forget that you smelled it and move on.
Eric: This is the perfect way for you to come back strong, Vince, on a movie you don't have to carry because the genre already has a built-in audience.
Vince: Oh yeah? Is there any kind of role in this movie? One that requires me to act?
Eric: The same kind of role Shia LaBeouf had in Disturbia. You look scared a few times, smile so girls want to fuck you, and then laugh your way all the way to the next Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Vince: Sounds challenging.
Ari: Listen, we need to get the 18 to 25-year-olds back. The ones that have forgotten you exist.
Vince: They've forgotten that I exist?
Drama: Don't take it personally, bro. The whole country's on meth.
Vince: It is good. You were right, E.
Turtle: Real dumb title though. What do you guys think about M is for Amnesia instead?
Drama: I think the tropical sun melted your brain.
Agent: Look. Vincent Chase. Thought he was dead.
Adam: Only til he's alive again.
Ari: If you need a kidney, Adam, I'm not willing to donate. But I am willing to watch you slowly die if you're looking for that kind of thing.
Drama: I know where he lives. I used to drive him home from softball. I still see him at the rub-and-tug every now and then.
Eric: You have a girlfriend. I thought you don't do that anymore.
Drama: I go there for facials, asshole.