Eric: You still got that Pablo Escobar tattoo on your back?
Billy: Nah, I had it scraped off with a Bowie knife in a ritual smokehouse ceremony.
Turtle: You really think I'm some ugly loser, huh?
Alex: I didn't say that.
Turtle: No, but the first time I tried to kiss you, you looked at me like I was a venereal disease.
Ari: I don't want to talk to anybody. Was I not clear? Nobody! I don't care if Justin Bieber calls and wants me to negotiate the rights to his virginity. I don't want to talk to him! Nobody!
Turtle: I don't normally have performance issues.
Drama: Yeah, you perform as often as Led Zeppelin.
Turtle: I'm just on edge a little.
Billy: Let me tell you, shoving that poison down your throat's not the remedy.
Turtle: Poison? This is 100% pure agave.
Ari: A writer's assistant on a sitcom once sued for inappropriate talk. It went to the Supreme Court. Do you know what they told her? They told her that the writers can talk about gangbanging her all day long as long as they don't do it.
Lizzie: I know the case. They're creative. You're certainly not. So you can talk about gangbanging all day, but you're the only one who's gonna get fucked.
Ari: Lizzie Grant! I didn't know that you ate here.
Lizzie: Well, I know you don't eat here cause you don't like, and I'm quoting, "eating with all the pussy-ass bitch agents."
Billy: You seem angry, Drama.
Drama: I've always been, Billy. Only now I'm drunk, too.
Amanda: The tapes are so clear it sounds like they were professionally recorded.
Ari: You heard them?
Amanda: I listened to them the last three nights and played with myself while fantasizing about fucking you in the ass.
Ari: Lizzie's little work of fiction journal proves that I'm guilty like Lindsay Blow-han proves that fame is fucking healthy.
Ari: Listen, E, I'll call you in an hour. Make sure that your doppelgang-banger stays off the line.
Drama: I was on a series six months ago and haven't had an offer since. Correction - Dos Equis asked me to be the least interesting man in the world.
Vince: Johnny, you've got to stop drinking. You've been going for sixteen straight hours.
Drama: So have you.
Vince: Yeah, but I'm happy drinking.
Lloyd: Ari has always been gracious and lovely, fair and reasonable. This has been a dreamlike job from minute one.
Attorney: And would you say that if you were under oath facing a perjury charge and possible jail time?
Lloyd: Oh, God, I can't do time, Ari! I don't think anybody in my family could. I'm sorry!
Sasha: If you don't make a move soon, Turtle, I'm going to have to.
Alex: He's made moves. We're just taking it slow.
Turtle: Real slow. Like the 405 at rush hour.